Intentional Vulnerability Part ii: Childlike Homophobia

This is one of the first moments of gay bias i remember witnessing. One which i have now allowed myself to revisit in order to begin to understand the impact it has had on my life. 

I must have been about 8 or 9 years old and i was standing with my friends at the back of our primary school playing field. The school was reflective of its countryside village environment. Each year was made up of no more than 30 kids. In my year there was a single non-white person and across the entire school there was maybe 5 persons of colour. There was a barked area with wooden climbing frames and monkey bars of which every year someone would fall off and break their arm. Opposite the school building was a field that rolled down and flattened out before dipping again. It stopped abruptly as it met a fence which separated children from a hedgerow and the road on the other side. It was the kind of school where you were friends with everyone in your year, but of course you had “best friends”, and your gender was your main social circle: the boys hang out with the boys, the girls with the girls. Throughout my time there a few people joined the school after their families had moved to the area. And with them they brought new influences and ideas. 

So i was standing with some of the other boys in my year and two others came up to us to say hi. These other two, Dan and Alfie (I have not used their real names), I was good friends with. Alfie had only joined our school that year and he became the best of friends with Dan seemingly instantly, they just clicked as people do. Someone in the “core” group of boys said they couldn’t hang out with us because they were gay. A couple others chimed in to support the idea that they couldn’t be our friends whilst the rest of us just stayed silent. I was in the latter quiet group. Dan and Alfie looked confused and upset, trying to say they weren’t gay but the other boys wouldn’t have it and didn’t stop until they had walked away. We then just carried on with what we were up to before the dinner lady came out to ring a bell, signifying the end of lunch. 

This may seem like such a small moment, but i’m realising that for me it is significant in understanding the conflict that would later arise in my life. Fast forward a decade and i would have cringingly come out... (a story of conflict and silence that i’ll dissect another time). So, long before i came to that realisation, being gay was painted as something negative. Gay was, you couldn’t be friends with us, you’re not the same as us, you don’t belong here. Gay was, you don’t hang out with other boys unless they’re gay too.

It meant that this idea of “gay being bad” was something which existed so prominently in the minds of these children that they could vocalise it. It implies that this was a message reinforced elsewhere in their lives. I won’t presume to know where that may have stemmed from. 

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

At the time i didn’t say anything to stand up for Dan and Alfie. All i really remember is just feeling bad because they were my friends and i couldn’t understand why they weren’t allowed to hang out with us. In terms of personality and mannerisms i was not dissimilar to Dan and Alfie; generally quiet, softly spoken, gentle, shy and awkward. However… i had a primary school girlfriend. I was on the school football team, and actually took part in loads of afterschool sports. Instant validation of being a straight boy, because that’s what straight boys do. And little did i know that the words and actions of these boys was a base level of childlike homophobia that grew in its power, mostly under the radar, as i went through High School, University and beyond.

You don’t necessarily realise the significance of moments like these until you are much older. As children you barely know who you are let alone how others' influence has impacted you. I have spent a lot of my time on this planet unaware of past experiences and detached from who i am as a person. Until you start sitting with yourself and your feelings you can’t access the emotional frameworks that are holding together the current structure of your being. Only when you do this - in whichever way that works for you as an individual - can you see which areas are fragile and need work, and which parts contain the strength and support that allow you to go through this process in the first place. The parts that have ensured your survival up until this point.

The fact that i still recall this memory, an interaction that happened over 20 years ago and which lasted no more than one minute, shows me that it has value. That it needs to be acknowledged either by itself, or as part of something bigger. An indicator to the forces i have to become aware of to then overcome. And when i am able to overcome or make peace with these moments i not only facilitate my own growth, i gain a greater understanding of how my experiences may affect my perception of others. 

Ben Driver, Director of Guy Cry Club CIC

abitofquirk

Founder of Guy Cry Club. A space exploring masculinity, mental health and sexuality through art.

https://www.instagram.com/abitofquirk
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